So I sit feeling sorry for myself again. I never have anything good to write about or say. I don’t know why I always feel like the grass is greener on the other side. Why do I think peoples lives are better because they are constantly blowing sunshine up everyones asses. But i’m negative. I’m always told that. And I really dont give a shit. I cant stand the bullshit “im so great blah blah blah” statuses on facebook. They make me want to vomit at times.

I guess I’m alone in this. And I pride myself on the fact that nobody is helping me. I’m getting through this on my own. I’m sure I don’t have the life all the fake people strive for, but at least its real. At least I know who I am. I’m miserable, stressed out and scared.

I want to leave here. I want to go where nobody knows me.

Seriously… I can’t take this anymore. I can’t be ran over anymore and I can’t be fucking ignored. I don’t think I can do what is expected of me. I just want to cry. I am not sure what I’m thinking anymore. I don’t know what I expect. I do know that I’m not putting myself in this situation ever again.

I have so much to do and this particular matter, I hate to say, doesn’t seem so important anymore. It hurts to say that or even think that.

Why do I do the things I do?

I hurt myself… I fuck myself up… I just don’t feel right

I’m lost and fucked up big time. I lost my financial aid for school. I won’t be able to get back in right now. It was the best thing I had going for me and I lost it. I’m so fucked up over it that I could barley celebrate the 4th of July.

I just want to cry but I can’t find the strength to. I want to sleep. I want to forget that I fucked up my way out of a dead end job.

I’m not blaming anyone but myself for this. But I must admit that it was my personal life that brought me to this point. Well the way I handel my personal life.

I am hoping to have some solutions soon. I am working on something but I’m doing it slowly, because I have tried it before and I have to be sure to be cautious. Plus given the state I’m in I don’t want to put myself over the edge.

I’ve been trying to figure out what to write. I mean I’m in love with someone and that person is in love with me and all that is coming out of my head is gloom and doom. Not because of the relationship, but because I’m not happy with my life. Me, my job, what I want to do with the rest of my life, my house, my parenting skills. I am a naturally negative person, but I have really been trying to be positive. And I just can’t. I’m not even pissed off anymore, just sad.

I’m feeling the need to push everyone away. I don’t want anyone to help me. I just want to be left alone. I’m not even really sure how they can help. Someone said I take suggestions on how to handle things as an attack. And I admit that I do. I’m being told what’s wrong with me from every person from every part of my life and I feel I can’t do anything right.

I want to make my life better. I was on the right track, but the train was derailed. I don’t know what to do so I will keep trying to figure it out.

I’m only 33 and almost a year ago I ended the longest relationship I had ever been in.  Ten years, two of those married, and I ended it. I believe I had good reason. I wasn’t happy for one.  We had SEVERAL dramas over those 10 years. I always tried to work through them and move on. One problem was is I could never forgive or forget. Grudges infected me like the plague. There were so many arguments and fights.  I couldn’t go on like that anymore.

I felt like I was carrying the relationship on my shoulders. I made more money and contributed more to the bills, entertainment and just living. I always had to save him from something and when times got financially rough it was usually my family I had to go to.

I’m not saying I was an angel, but I believe I tried everything I could. In the end I was unhappy. I was unhappy working my ass off everyday and coming home to someone bitching because he didn’t feel like a man because he had to do dishes. His job search was at a dead end. I know the economy sucks, but this had been going on for 10 years. I knew that I could take care of my daughter and myself on what I make. And I do.

Its too bad things didn’t work out differently. But I am glad they worked out the way they did. It was for the best.

I don’t know if I’m trying to justify leaving him by writing this post. I believe that I was doing so much for him, that I finally had to do for me.

I dont think im mentally stable. I have dealt with a lot in the past 4 years. The list is quite extensive.

I have to start cleaning up this mess. The mess that is my life.

Im not blaming anyone or any event.  I am blaming myself.  I am blaming my decisions and poor judgment.  I know will start this slow painful process of cleaning everything up. I crashed and burned. I though I could do it. I need a different plan.

I have a beautiful daughter, a mother and brother who are always there for me, and friends who are learning to take me as I am and I am grateful for that. And last but certainly not least I have this man whom Im in love with. These people mean so much to me and I want them to know that im ok.

I want to be ok with my life.  I want to get myself and my daughter out of this neighborhood. I want my drive back. I had it once.  It hadn’t been there my whole life, but I did have it for a minute.

I just need to put everything in perspective and find my way.

I have to start now.

I can’t function in the winter. Its a known fact. I get depressed and I want to die. I hold on because spring is always around the corner. I can function in spring. I love the warmth. The possibility of something renewed.

I have managed to get myself back into school and do my taxes. 2 things looming over my head. Plus I started a workout, stopped drinking those dreaded energy drinks and started drinking more water and green tea. I still have to cut down on the beer. Coors light is my down fall.

My love life is going good. I’m happy with him, he makes me smile everytime I see him, he makes me laugh and I just love to be with him. I think he’s the one. Seriously. Given the circumstances I really think he’s the one.

So everything is peachy. Now I just have to be proactive and stop sabotaging myself.

Ok. I don’t want to get too positive… I’m the kind of person who sees the glass as half empty. But for the benefit of myself I will see the glass as kinda empty.

I am fortunate to have my daughter. She is growing up to be a good kid. I’m proud of her, but I realize I need to help her still. I am fortunate to have my family. My mom, dad and brother have put up with so much from me. If they had known how I would turn there lives upside down my mom probably would have opted for an abortion and my dad would have been all for it.

I haven’t talk to my dad since christmas eve. And I feel like a nazi but I’m ashamed of all that I have to tell him. So I have decided to write it in a letter. I’m still scared of him. Guess I always will be.

I need the will power to reach goals. I realize my lazy ass is scared of hard work these days, and I can’t focus on what I need to do. It is all starting to come together though.

I have to start working out! I must lay off the beer! I want to be better for my daugater and my family.

I want to be better for him

I’m stuck. I really thought I knew where I was going in life, but now I’m not so sure of myself. I’m trying to get healthy again, I’m taking control of my finances, but my ambition has pretty much vanished.

I don’t know what direction to go in professionally. I like my job, but I really want to finish my bachelors degree and move on.

I can’t decide, I can’t find the motivation to decide. All I can think about is how I have failed in pretty much everything.

My situation is a funny one. Never did I think I would be in the situation I’m in. These are trying times for me, but I’m a soldier.

I must get readers for my blog. Or else this particular therapy won’t help. I want to be praised, adored, judged and criticized.

On to the updates:
The ex: we don’t talk much anymore
My new guy: things are going slowly but surely
The pit bull: found him a new home
The dui situation: missed 3rd group, my counselor is going to kick my ass.
Last but certainately not least, my kid: she’s going on 13, these are trying times for her. These next 9 months will be excrutiating for her until I get my license back. Not only does she have to deal with my unfortunate situation, she is becoming a young lady trying to deal with herself, peers and an insane mother.